40 Things Reno is not allowed to do.

Inspired by the one and only Hiita-hime’s 213 things Zack Fair is not allowed to do, but much shorter, because I have the patience of a Remnant with a sushi box.


1. Get a pet Tonberry
2. Delete Soldier files to get space for download porn on ShinRa computers
3. Even if said porn was meant to be shared
4. Cait Sith is not flammable, can’t drown, can’t starve to death if locked in a cupboard, is not  to common diseases and I am not allowed to try this just because he shed fur on my burrito once.
5. This is not Sparta. This can’t be stressed  enough
6. Nobody is taking the hobbits to Isengard
7. An electro-club is not a dildo. Most people learn this after one attempt
8. Tseng’s spot is not a sniper light, and I shouldn’t  try to tackle him to the floor
9. Spread rumors that Hojo is using the First Class Soldiers’ living bodies for incubation of Jenova spawns.
10. Not even if I got proof
11. Making out with Jenova on Christmas parties is not allowed
12. Remnants don’t taste like chicken.
13. 42 is not the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything, and thus is not an acceptable mission status rapport.
14. Confuse rookies about what is materia and what is candy
15. My hovercraft is not full of eels
16. The combination to the ShinRa safe is not 1,2,3,4,5 and the ShinRa executives do not have the same combination on their luggage.
17. Teaching small blond children to run up to Soldiers screaming ‘daddy, when are you coming home?’ is not allowed
18. Especially not if said Soldier is Sephiroth
19. ShinRa does not concern themselves with their employees’ sexual preferences. I do not need to take it up on myself to find out and make a chart.
20. Said chart need not be presented at the top executive meeting
21. Especially not when the chart also contains the top executives preferences.
22. Because nobody needed to know about Palmer and the Moogles
23. If I make extra money stripping on my spare time, it’s my business, but said stripping is not allowed with a Turk uniform
24. In particularly not if said uniform is in better shape than the one I use when on Turk duty
25. Learning how to bend over and kiss my own ass during stripping is not a cause for a salary raise. Nor does it need to be demonstrated during the yearly salary discussion
26. Tseng doesn’t get PMS, and I shouldn’t keep asking
27. I am not related to Nanaki, despite the similarities in hair colour, and thus ‘doggy style’ is not an acceptable way to salute my superiors
28. Spread rumors amongst Soldier rookies saying ‘warriors comfort’ is a sure way to a promotion is not allowed.
29. Am not to tell new recruits they’re required to leave a semen sample in Hojo’s Inbox.
30. Will refrain from refering to Reeve’s new robe as ‘that skanky dress’
31. Will not vote for Reeve as prom queen at the ShinRa dance
32. Will not vote for myself as prom queen at the ShinRa dance, even if Rude agrees I’m the cutes person there
33. Start a fertility cult around the Almighty Chocobo and dance naked around certain  Soldier rookies, even if he like it, is not allowed
34. Register the presidents wheelchair for Pimp my Ride is not cute
35. Selling my womb is false advertising, even if Hojo shows interest
36. ‘Clusterfuck’ is not a word, even if I’ve heard Zack Fair use it
37. Mako radiation is not what’s given Rude his lovely tan
38. I may not be excused from briefings because I need to go to the bathroom and masturbate
39. Not allowed to hold up crosses and try to spray holy water on Vincent Valentine. It only pisses him off
40. Spray painting Rude’s glasses completely black is just mean.