Easter Egg

Title: Easter egg
Author: Enide Dear
Pairing: Valenwind
Rating: insane
For: Rayvne Rayne for winning the kiriban for far too long ago…sorry for the wait! The prompt was Valenwind and Easter egg!
A/N: I had way, *way* too much fun with the insults in this one….and season fics are damn hard to write. It feels like everything's been written before.

Listening to Cid and Reno arguing was fairly interesting, Vincent mused. Both their accents got more and more accentuated as the fight escalated – one southern redneck hick and one lower-plate street rat drawl - to the point where it was quite impossible to even understand what they were saying. It didn't much matter; most of it was profanities and inventive swearing anyway and Vincent felt sure that they just made up some of the words as they waved their arms at one another and shouted.

Rude, being about as sensible as Turks ever were, had sighed at the mess, possibly rolled his eyes behind the shades and gone to put the moves to Tifa again.

Vincent decided that enough was enough. As far as he could tell they were now starting on calling one another peculiar and rather anatomically incorrect animalistic features, anyway.

"Cid, please." He mumbled, raising his hand. "It's just for a few hours."

The pilot, who had been in mid-rant about 'face like a tapeworm-sick dog's anus' lost track and scowled as Reno got in a 'Tonberry's crotch-pus'.

"Why?" He glared at his lover. "I don't see why I can't help ya."

"Because then it wouldn't be a surprise," Vincent explained patiently, for the ump-teenth time. "I need Reno's help to localize something in the slums. It will be perfectly safe."

"It would be if ya didn't bring this piece of rainbow coloured chocobo turd along!"

"Dontcha talk to me that way, you barf-coloured moogle fart!" Reno shouted back.

"Cid…." Vincent put his head to the side and lowered his eyes, just a little. The pilot visibly melted. "Just trust me. Please?"

"'Course I trust ya," Cid mumbled, pulling his hands through his hair. "Well, it ain't like I can stop ya, is it? Jest…take care, alright? Be really, really careful." Ignoring Reno he stepped up and closed his lover in a huge bear hug. "And ya!" He growled at Reno who was making gag faces at the tender scene. "If even one hair on his head gets bent, I swear I'll cut ya in so small pieces not even the flies will bother with ya, ya piece of Banjang-snot!"

"Oooooh, I'm so scared, yo!" Reno rolled his eyes and stuck his tongue out. "You couldn't recognize a piece of shit if you ate it!"

"I'm gonna…." Cid started towards the Turk, but Vincent intercepted. "I'm gonna get ya, ya…ya….*Turk*! One day!"

"Sure, grandpa. Before or after you find a cure for your old man stink?" Reno had something more to say, but Vincent had already grabbed him under the arm and pulled him away.


"You never talk to me that way. Or anyone else. Why Cid?" Vincent asked as the two of them made their wary way down Slum Market.

"Ain't no one that rises as easily as Cid." Reno grinned, twirling the EMR and giving a few would-be pick-pockets a deadly glare. "And anyway I learn completely new curses each time. Can't skimp out on a fountain of wisdom like that."

"You are insane."

"It's a popular theory." Reno shrugged.

Vincent frowned.

"I am quite serious, Reno. You'd better stop it before you give him a heart attack."

"But then I won't ever get a chance to hit on you, yo." Reno battered his eyes at Vincent and smiled, rather lecherous.

"For the last time, Reno, it will never happen." Vincent glowered at him. "You hitting on me stopped being charming a long time ago. And it makes Cid…angry."

"Hey, I don't kiss and tell….nor do other things and tell. He'll never know." Reno leaned in closer, but backed off as a sharp claw threatened to rip his pants at a very inconvenient place.

Rolling his eyes, Vincent gave up.

"So, what we looking for here?" Reno cast a sharp glance around. "What you need to go all the way to the slums for?"

"I will tell you when I find it." Vincent looked around, sniffing the air. "Amazing how the slum always rebuilds itself, no matter what happens to it." He mumbled almost to himself.

"I ain't gonna talk about it," Reno cut in sharply and Vincent shrugged. Everyone had secrets after all, and it wasn't as if he was willing to discuss Hojo with the red-head either.

"It's this way," he suddenly turned as a scent tickled his nose. "I knew it would be here somewhere."

"What? Just tell me what the fuck we're looking for here."  Reno frowned but followed.

"This." Vincent pointed.

The little shop seemed very out of place in the slums; it was colorful, cheerful and a delicious scent of chocolate stood around it. Reno scratched his neck with the EMR and frowned.

"A candy shop? How come I ain't never seen this place before?"

"It's a chocolatéri," Vincent pointed out. "And why would you? They don't sell illegal drugs or weapons here, it's not a covered brothel, and I believe they even pay their taxes." He shrugged. "It's not a Turk hang out. It's a normal place." *More or less.*

He stepped in, a bell chiming cheerfully as the door opened, Reno sneaking in behind, eyes wide at the colourful candies but still slightly paranoid.

A plump, smiling woman approached them, smiling motherly.

"Ah, Mr. Valentine. So nice to see you again. Your special order is ready, if you will please come with me."

"What is it? Kinky chocolate?" Reno grinned with his mouth full of snatched candy. "Got some suggestions for you."

Vincent ignored him, slapped away the hand reaching for his ass and followed to shop keeper. Reno slouched after.

"Here it is," the woman turned and smiled proudly. "Custom made according to your instructions."

"Holy fuck," Reno gaped. "It's huge!"

An Easter egg, big enough to reach to Reno's waist stood in the middle of the room. It was dissembled into two pieces of delicate, cup-shaped pieced of chocolate, which would leave a hollow inside once it was put together.

Nodding, Vincent paid the woman who accepted his money.

"And as agreed, you would provide the filling?" She said.

"Yes." Vincent turned to Reno who was walking around the egg, examining it.

The Turk leaned into the huge egg.

"You could fit a person in here!" He said in awe.

"Indeed."

Reno didn't have time to notice the amused tone of voice before something sparkled against his head and he slumped unconscious into the empty egg.

The shop keeper helped Vincent assemble the egg – after a few modifications, most involving a chicken suit, an extra large packet of coloured Easter feathers and a plastic beak and, of course, an unconscious Turk.

Vincent smiled to himself. He was sure Cid would love his Easter gift this year.