FB - Babysitters

Title: FB - Babysitters
Author: Enide Dear
Paring: The usual suspects…
Warning/Rating: THIS FIC CONTAINS A SCENE THAT MIGHT BE CONCIDERED HIGHLY ICKY! The Remnants are odd people.
Summary: The Remnants are stuck babysitting.
The Remnants fave internet show by: Blue-demon-hybrid Thank you!

”Awwww, who’s a cutiecutiecutie then? Well, ya are! Ya are, ya little sweetiemunchiecuddly cutie!”

The Sephlings stared. Vincent dropped his jaw. Shera giggled.

Cid ignored them all and kept on making sickly-sweet noises to the gurgling baby in his arms.

“Didn’t you know?” Shera asked. “Cid loves babies.”

“Goochie, goochie, goochie.” Cid kept on, his voice reaching hitherto unheard high pitches. The baby looked slightly appalled, although not as much as the Sephlings.

“But why?” Yazoo snorted. “It’s even more useless than the kittens. I mean, it doesn’t have that soft fur that would make such a lovely fur trimming on my jacket…”

“Yazzie!” Loz glared angrily at him, but as usually melted when Yazoo batted his eyes at him, murmuring ‘I’m sorry’ even as he gave a stray kitten a rather hungry glance.

“Oh Gods, chief, marry me.” Vincent mumbled, melting at the sight of his normally so rough husband cuddling a baby.

“I already did, remember?” Cid looked up, grinning. “It was that huge thing where ya kept hiding under the table ta avoid attention. Not that I was complaining, mind ya.”

“Cid!” Blushing, Vincent hit him on the shoulder.

“Ow! Careful, I’m holding a baby here.” With a wink, Cid turned back to Shera. “’Couse we’ll watch yer little girl fer ya tonight, Shera.” He smiled, hitching up the baby higher. “Ya just have a good time with yer husband, ya hear?”

“Alright.” Shera gave the Sephlings a wary glance but nodded at Cid. “I trust you, Cid. I’ve put a bottle of pumped milk in the refrigerator for you to feed her when he wakes up and diapers in the bathroom. Have a nice evening.” She waved them off as she disappeared out the door.


Shera had barely been gone an hour when the phone rang. Vincent picked it up as Cid was currently crawling on the floor, trying to find a pacifier and the Remnants had withdrawn to their room, where Vincent suspected they were slightly jealous of all the attention the new arrival got.

“Vincent Valentine…what? Don’t scream, Mr. Mayor, I can hear you fine – a dragon?! In Rocket Town! Yes, yes, we’ll be there.” He hung up and swore. “Cid, we have a problem. There’s a dragon attacking Rocket Town. We need to get there fast.”

“No problem, you and me can handle a dragon without even breaking a sweat. I’ll…” Cid interrupted himself and looked at the baby. “Shit, there *is* a problem, ain’t there?”

“Yes. We can’t leave her here.” Vincent grabbed Cerberus. “I’ll go alone.”

“No way, nu-hu!” Cid shook his head. “The both of us can take down a dragon but ya alone? That would be dangerous!”

“We can kill the dragon.” Kadaj un-lurked from where he’d been skulking on the stairs, green eyes shining eagerly.

“No, ya can’t. Yer not allowed in Rocket Town with weapons. ShinRa would be down on our asses in no time.”He glanced down at the baby, who had fallen asleep. “I guess we’ve got no choice…”


“Look, it’s easy.” Cid gave hurried instructions to the nervous Sephlings. “If she screams, ya feed one end or clean the other. There’s really not much ta it. If yer lucky she’ll sleep through it all.”

“And if she’s hurt in *any way*, you are all dead.” Vincent growled, not liking this one bit, but Cid was right. There was no choice and the longer they waited, the more people would get hurt in Rocket Town.

“Don’t worry. We took care of Kadaj when he was a toddler.” Yazoo nodded. “And he turned out alright, didn’t he?”

“It can’t be that different from the kittens.” Loz added.

“And if we got any questions, we’ll call Reno.” Kadaj didn’t look very happy about it, but he nodded.

“Gods help her.” Vincent mumbled as he hurried out the door.

With a baby’s unerring sense of timing, she woke up in the middle of the Remnants favorite show "When Tonberries Doink People I Hate" and screamed as if she’d been tortured.

“Make her shut up!” Yazoo shouted over the noise and slammed his hands over his ears. “I’m getting a headache!”

“Maybe she needs a diaper change.” Kadaj frowned down at the baby, who, now red faced and angry and wrinkled, had lost whatever redeeming cuteness she once had. Ad Yazoo was obviously useless, he turned to Loz with a sweet smile. “I’ll flip you for it. Heads, I win, tails, you lose.”

“Alright.” Loz nodded as Kadaj tossed the coin, but Yazoo snatched it in mid-air.

“No cheating, Kadaj.” He snarled.

“Hey! I thought you had your hands over your ears!” Kadaj sulked.

“I did, but I also know you. Flip fair.”

As it turned out, Loz lost anyway. Not that changing a diaper turned out to be much of a challenge for someone who had survived Hojo’s lab, but it didn’t stop the crying.

“We need to feed her.” Kadaj sighed and looked down on the baby again. She was turning a dangerous shade of red and he didn’t like thinking of what Vincent would say if she accidently starved to death.

His brothers nodded. The Loz said what they all were thinking.

“Feed her what?”


“Yeah?” The voice on the phone was barely discernable over the baby’s howling.

“Reno, I need some help.” Kadaj felt his own head start to pound. How could such a small creature make so much noise? “Are humans related to chocoboes?”

“What’s gotten into your screwed up brain this time, cutie-butt?” Reno grinned.

“Well, Yazoo saw this nature show about chocoboes and…anyway, we both walk on two legs and are about the same height, right?” Kadaj said a bit desperately.

“Nah, Kaddy, we’re not related.” Reno couldn’t help but chuckle.

“I knew it!” Kadaj turned around and shouted into the room. “I was right, Yazoo! Now put away that worm!” Turning back to the phone he said gratefully: “Thank you, Turkey-boy.”

“Anytime. See you Sunday – don’t do anyone I wouldn’t!”

“That doesn’t really narrow it down, does it?” Kadaj stuck out his tongue despite Reno not being able to see it. It was the thought that counted. As he hung up he was glad he hadn’t mentioned Loz’s theory about humans being related to cats and thus should drink milk. Why give Reno more reason to think they were odd?

When he came back to the living room the baby had stopped howling and was sleeping once more. Both Loz and Yazoo looked exhausted and Kadaj knew he couldn’t be much better off.

“She farted and then she fell asleep, thank Mother.” Loz slumped in a couch.

“I’m pretty sure these babies are a health danger.” Yazoo looked weary at the sleeping little menace. “I need a snack. You want some?”

“I think we could all use something about now,” Kadaj nodded.


When Vincent and Cid returned they were splattered with mud and blood and delighted to be met by the sight of one sleeping baby – arms, legs and head still attached – and Yazoo handling them each a tall glass of frosty smoothies with raspberries.

“Jest what I needed!” Cid gulped down a mouthful. “A bit sweet, though, ain’t it?”

“I thought we were out of milk?” Vincent frowned.

“I thought so to,” Yazoo nodded and sipped his own drink, “but I found a bottle in the refrigerator.”

Cid turned pale. Vincent turned paler. Then Cid ran for the sink and started to retch violently.

“What? What’s wrong?” Loz had a milk moustache. “It’s not turned sour or anything, it was just a little sweet.”

“Stop drinking that! That’s breast milk!” Cid coughed.

Kadaj gave him a curious look.

“Of course it is breast milk. That’s were milk comes from. From cow’s breasts or goat’s breasts…”

“Those are called *udders*, Kadaj.” Vincent carefully poured out his smoothie. “This is…human milk. From Shera.”

“It’s a Mother’s milk?!” Kadaj gasped.

“Yes!”

The Remnants exchanged glances, and then, quickly before Vincent could stop them, they gulped it down.

“Oh, that’s jest gross.” Cid whined from the depths of the sink.

“Well, see it as our chance of reliving some childhood.” Kadaj grinned, licking his lips.

“That was the first and last time you ever did that!” Vincent cried angrily.

“I think I’m gonna be sick.” Cid sighed.