FB - if you were straight

Title: FB – If you were straight

Author: Enide Dear

Pairing: Lozoo, Renaj, mentions of het

Rating: silly

Muses: 'If you were gay' - I don't know by whom

A/N: The gauntlet was thrown by :iconberuthielscats: I picked it up.

  

"Tifa, absolutely." Loz nodded, slightly drunk from all the beer Reno had plied the three Sephings with before raising the subject 'if you weren't gay'. "She's pretty great. And tough. I wouldn't have to worry about breaking her in bed."

  

"Not to mention those huge boobs of hers." Reno grinned, his arm around Kadaj. 7:th Heaven was by no means full, which was probably why Tifa hadn't kicked them all out. They only went there to annoy Cloud, anyway.

  

"Yes." Loz frowned a bit. "Whatever I'm supposed to do with those."

  

For some reason unknown to the remnants that made Reno laugh so hard he almost fell off the chair. Wiping his eyes, he managed to control himself.

  

"You just have a thing for people who can kick your ass, right?"

  

"She didn't kick my ass. My chin and my chest, yes, but not my ass. I would have remembered." Loz looked on perplexed as that made the Turk break into another laughing fit.

  

"And you, Kaddy? What kind of woman do you like? And she'd better not have tentacles and fit into a box, yo."

  

Kadaj stuck out his tongue at the annoying red-head.

  

"Yuffie. She seems like fun. And she's got materia. I might be able to get some of it."

  

Reno snorted.

  

"Even with a girl, all you think of is balls, yo." He turned to the last Sephling who did not look pleased, beer or not. "So, how about you, Yazzie? Who's gonna be the lucky girl to get to be out-prettied by you, yo?"

  

Yazoo shrugged, not impressed.

  

"I don't know. I don't care for women that way. Or at all, really."

  

"Aw, I'm sure we can find you someone." With an evil grin, Reno took out his wallet and started to unload photos - lots of photos - of just about every woman in Midgard. And more or less dressed, to.

  

"You have a picture of Shera? Cid will kill you." Kadaj picked up a photo and looked at it. "She's pretty, though. No wonder the captain liked her."

  

"Vincent is prettier. And so am I." Poking uninterested through the pictures, Yazoo warily picked one up between the very tips of his fingers and shuddered. "What is this? One of Hojo's experiments?"

  

"That's Scarlett, so yeah, pretty much as you say." Laughing, Reno picked up another photo of a woman, one that was actually dressed if rather blurry. "How 'bout Lucretia?"

  

All three Remnants shuddered.

  

"No one in a state of prolonged coma." Yazoo sniffed. "This is silly anyway. Aerith is dead. Tifa has too big boobs - I don't care what you say, Reno , they loose their appeal when they're big enough to get their own area code. Yuffie is an annoying brat whose only appeal is that she's built like a guy anyway. Your receptionists are boring. Elena is…"

  

"Don't even go there, yo." Reno snatched the photo from Yazoo 's hand, growling protectively. The issues between the Sephlings and Tseng and Elena would probably never be resolved and it was one of the things all of them worked hard to keep buried.

  

"..is a Turk. " Yazoo ended lamely. "Who else is there?"

  

"How about this chick?"  This was an old photo, judging by its quality, but apparently much cherished and looked at from its frayed edges and smudged fingerprints. Taking it, Yazoo 's eyes widened.

  

"She's…she's nice." He said, impressed against his will. "She looks strong. Healthy. Lovely taste in clothes too. The dress is wonderful, and I love the tiara." Wracking his brain for any bitchiness that wouldn't be an outright lie, he managed. "I don't know about the shoes, though. But I like blondes…"

  

"Did you want more beer or what?" Cloud appeared at their table and threw a glance down at the pictures. His face turned bright red.

  

" Reno ! How the Hell many times do  have to tell you to stop showing of that old picture of me in a dress?!"