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Family Bliss - Turk Trouble

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Family Bliss – Turk Trouble
Author: Enide Dear
Rating: cute

Pairing: Valenwind, also featuring the Remnants, but no Remnantcest

Summary: “Highwind! There’s a Remnant in your bathtub, yo!”

Author’s note: There aren’t enough days in the week for all the therapy I need…


There were a yellow rubber duck in Loz bathtub. He glared at it, but it just bobbed around cheerfully amongst the suds, smiling idiotically. It was a ‘present’, from Yazoo, of course. Kadaj hadn’t helped by sticking two pins in the ducks head, declaring that it would look more menacing with horns. It didn’t look menacing to Loz. It looked like a yellow rubber duck with two pins stuck to its head. He sighed. Seriously, how childish did his brothers think he was, anyway?
Ignoring the duck, he sunk deeper into the warm, soapy water with a little sigh of pleasure. Captain Highwind had gone into a fit over the long showers, but hadn’t said anything about baths. Possibly because he and mr Valentine could stay in a bath for *hours*, and not come out until they were all wrinkly and smiling happily.

With his ears under the water, Loz never heard the commotion downstairs, nor Cid’s yelling.

“No, wait!” Cid shouted.

“I just need to take a piss, yo! I’ll be back in no time!” a cheerful voice called back.

Loz hadn’t bothered to lock the door, since a number of unfortunate accidental walk-ins had taught all five members of the extended Valenwind household to knock before opening any door in the house. Even the closets. Especially the closets.
The door swung open and Reno stepped in just as Loz turned to see what all the fuss was about.

It was impossible to say who got the most shocked, but Reno snapped out of it first. Loz was sitting in the water – Reno held the electrorod.

“Highwind, there’s a Remnant in your bathtub, yo!” he screamed as he lounged towards the dripping wet Loz, aiming to electrocute.

Loz grabbed the bathroom mat and pulled; Reno fell backwards, the electrorod flying from his hand and out the corridor. Scrambling to his feet, Reno did the only sensible thing as the naked, pissed off Remnant grabbed for him; he turned tail and ran.

“No!” If the Turk got away, their cover would be blown; Loz grabbed for the first best thing he found and threw it.

The yellow rubber duck landed under Reno’s foot and he slipped; swearing he fell over the stair rail.


Rude probably should have been more surprised than he was when his partner suddenly came falling out of nowhere, but as the red-head managed to land across Vincent’s arms, Rude only dipped his shades a bit and shook his head in exasperation at the pile of red and black limbs and hair.

“Hey, get the Hell off my husband!” Cid growled and grabbed Reno by the nape of his neck, tossing him aside. “Ow!” he added as a yellow rubber duck bounced of his head. “Why the Hell are there pins stuck in that duck?!”

“Captain! Stop him!” Dripping wet, but at least with a towel around his waist, Loz pointed at the Turks. The commotion had brought out his brothers, and now all three Remnants stood scowling at the Turks who could just stare back, slack-jawed.

“I got them,” Yazoo said calmly, aiming Velvet Nightmare.

“Yazoo, no!” Cid dropped Vincent, who was just beginning to dazed get up, and threw. The yellow rubber duck hit Yazoo’s fingers just as he was squeezing the trigger and the shot went slightly wrong, missing Reno’s head with an inch and crashing right into the cupboard behind him. There came a rather depressing chiming of broken china from inside.

“Aw, fuck, not again!” Cid groaned at the sound of broken plates. “Yazoo, stop that! Kadaj, put away the sword! Loz, yer gonna fry yerself if ya even think about using Duel Hound now – yer dripping wet!” The captain turned, frowning at the Turks. “And what the hell is wrong with ya?”

“With us?! Highwind, that’s the Remnants! ShinRa has been looking for them for months!” Reno was waving his retrieved rod, Rude stood ready with fists up. “We have to contact Tseng, and have him send reinforcements!”

“No! No, don’t even try, Reno!” Vincent’s claw came out and slashed the cell phone into pieces. “The situation is a lot more complicated than that.”

“Not to mention, we’ll kick your asses again if you try,” Kadaj smiled, but looked worried. He knew that this situation was about as bad as it could get for the little scraps of happiness the Remnants had found here in Rocket Town. He contemplated killing the Turks, but that really wouldn’t solve anything; ShinRa was bound to come looking for them. And anyway, Cid would probably be terribly upset by bloodstains on the carpet. Kadaj sighed a bit. Vincent took a few bloodstains a lot calmer.

Reno scowled at Cid.

“What is this,” he whispered, “some kind of hostage situation? They got some leverage on you? We’ll help…Ow! Damn it, stop throwing ducks at me!” He scowled up at the snickering Remnants.

“All of ya…calm down. This ain’t a hostage situation, they’re not blackmailing us or something, either.” Cid rubbed his temples. “Look, can we jest…sit down and talk about this? I’ll put tea on – no I won’t, damn it, ‘cause I go no teamugs left! My home insurance is going through the roof!”

“I’m sorry, captain.” Yazoo blushed a bit.

“Well, ya better be! Now, all of ya come down – get some pants on first, Loz – and we’ll try ta sort this out.”



“This is insane.” Reno stared from Vincent to Cid as they sat around the kitchen table, drinking tea out of beer mugs. The beaten up yellow rubber duck sat in the middle of the table, still smiling. It was probably a good thing that Kadaj had seen it lurking on his chair before he sat down. “Are you saying you’ve *adopted* them?! That makes less sense than the rumour about Cloud screwing chockoboes!”

“Why? Don’t they deserve a second chance?” Vincent cocked his head.

“They tried to destroy the fucking world!” Reno’s nerves were not helped by the ginning duck. The thing was starting to freak him out.

“Yeah, totally unlike ShinRa!” Kadaj snapped sarcastically.

“You tortured our boss and the rookie!” Reno got to his feet, Rude backing him up.

“*You* tortured our Mother for years!” Kadaj screamed back, all three Remnants getting up as well.

“You tried to turn into a madman!”

“That wasn’t my fault! It was Mother!”

“Yeah, right, like I’ve never heard that one before!” Reno sneered and mimicked a childish voice. “’Oh, no, it wasn’t me trying to commit genocide; it was the blue tentacle parasite in my head I call Mother who wanted me to turn into a fucking dead psychopath!’”

The Remnants hissed with wrath, but Rude gave his partner an odd glance.

“When the Hell did you ever hear that before?”

“I’ve been in this business longer than you have!” Reno yelled, his nerves in tatters.

“Alright, alright, jeeze…”

“ShinRa whip- dogs!” Kadaj screamed enraged.

“You little sons of bitches! Literally!”  Reno retorted, pissed and angry.

“Oh, yeah? At least we know who our Mother was!”

“Yeah, a cut off head who only ever got it on with Hojo. You must be so fucking proud!”

“DIE Turk!” Kadaj howled.

“SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP, ALL OF YA!” Cid roared over the threatening fight.

Yazoo and Loz sat down so abruptly it was obvious the order had by-passed their conscious brains and gone straight to their knees. Kadaj shut his mouth so quickly he almost bit his tongue off.
Reno was about to say something scalding sarcastic about it before he realised that he had bitten his own cheek when he slammed his mouth shut. He fumed, but yelped as Rude grabbed him by the lining of his trousers and pulled him back on the chair again.

“Sit down, partner. Being rude is my job.” The tall Turk mumbled.

Cid glared at them all. Vincent sat down very carefully as his knees had gotten weak for completely different reasons than the rest of them.

“The thing is,” Cid said with a threateningly finger pointed at the Turks, “that ya *owe* us, and yer not going ta do anythin’ about this situation here, got it? Tell Tseng and Rufus, ‘cause I guess ya have ta, but don’t ya dare come and try ta take our boys away!”

“Owe you?!” Reno glared back. “What the Hell do we owe you?!”

“Yer lives, fer one thing. Midgard City. The world. Avalanche has fucking save yer asses more times than I can remember!”

Reno leaned back, sulking.

“Rufus ain’t going to like it,” he muttered.

“He doesn’t have ta.” Cid growled back. “He jest have ta keep out of this business, got it? Or next time he counts in Avalanche ta save his sorry ass again, he might just end up getting it whipped.”

“And what’s your promise in return?” Rude asked. “You’ll keep those punks under control?”

“Hey, we’re not some insane psychos’ that might go loose and kill people!” Loz protested, but blushed as even his brothers gave him a questioning glance. “Well, maybe we are, but that’s not the point.”

“Right. The deal is, as long as they stay with us, they do as we tell ‘em. Any…Jenova tendencies and they’re out and we take no responsibilities for them.”

“And we’ll let ShinRa know if they go berserk,” Vincent added. “They’ll be all yours.”

“If you are still alive to warn us.” Reno pointed out.

“We’re not going to hurt them!” Kadaj fumed. “But I make no such promises for you!”

“Fine, fine…jest…jest ya guys send someone by every now and them, check so everythin’ is alright.” Cid suggested.

“Are you sure about this, Highwind? And you, Valentine?” Reno shook his head. “’Cause I’ve seen some weird shit before, but your happy, gay, dysfunctional family kind of beats it all.”

“Except Cloud and the chocoboes,” Rude agreed.

“Hey, we put the ‘functional’ in dysfunctional,” Cid grinned.

“We’re quite committed,” Vincent nodded and then leaned over the table with poorly concealed gleeful eagerness. “Now, what’s this with Cloud and the chocoboes?”

Needless to say, the yellow rubber duck was never the same again.
Family Bliss – Turk Trouble
Author: Enide Dear
Rating: cute

Pairing: Valenwind, also featuring the Remnants, but no Remnantcest

Summary: “Highwind! There’s a Remnant in your bathtub, yo!”

Author’s note: There aren’t enough days in the week for all the therapy I need…

Fanart! From the amazing :iconsparklingburgundyplz: who made this amazing pic for me: www.deviantart.com#/art/You-re…
© 2008 - 2024 Enide-Dear
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WolfFangKay's avatar
really ..... what about loud and the chocobos?