Title: FB – Women
Author:  Enide Dear
Pairing: Valenwind, Redaj, Lozoo
Rarting: there will be nudity
Summary: The Remnants discover the phenomena known as ‘women’ and Capey gets embarrassed


“I wonder if they’ll explode if I poke at them.” Kadaj said thoughtfully, staring in rapt fascination. “Like water balloons.”

“They don’t.” Loz assured him, also staring curious. “I tried.”

“Really?” Yazoo put his head to the side.

“Well, I just had to know!”

“You mean, when we were still puppets under Mother, and on a search for her head, and you’d just been in a huge fight, and discovered more materia then I’ve even seen in my life, you still took the time to squeeze Tifa’s breasts?” Kadaj shook his head. “No wonder you took so long.”

“I didn’t squeeze them, I just poked them! And it was during the fight, so it doesn’t count. It was involuntary. More or less.”

“And they obviously didn’t explode.” Yazoo was still staring with his head to one side, like an enthralled cat. “Even though it looks like they should.”

Tifa buried her face in her hands which incidentally also hid a bit of her cleavage from the three stares across the table.

“Cid, will you please tell those three perverts you are supposed to be raising to stop ogling my breasts?” She snarled. “Before I kick the crap out of them?”

“Boys, it ain’t polite staring at a woman’s boobs, least not when she knows it, or least not when she’d not flattered by it.” Cid grinned. “Why don’t ya go upstairs and help Vince prepare the guest room?”

“Ya have ta forgive them, Tifa.” Cid smiled a bit. “It’s not as if there’s many women around here, normally, and no one as, um, ample as yerself.” He shrugged. “And their experience with women as a whole is a bit hazy. Mainly there were their mother, and she was a cut off head, and then there were Elena, who must have caused them quite a bit of confusion, coming to think of it…”

“I thought you said they were gay!” Tifa hissed as the three Sephlings left the table.

“Yeah, well, they’re still hormonal teenage boys, right?” Cid sipped his tea. “All men like boobs.”

“All men?” Tifa asked sweetly, locking into Cid’s wandering eyes.

“Well, um, ya know….”


Vincent wasn’t in the guest room, but Tifa’s bags with clothes were, partially unpacked and spread out all over the bed. Vincent’s cape lay abandoned and rather sullenly in a corner, although when the Sephlings walked in it fluttered out and into Yazoo’s arms where it could pet his hair with a sort of clothes – delight. Loz frowned at it.

“That cape better keep its little rags to itself,” he muttered, “or I’m going to tear it up and use it for oil cloth.”

Yazoo snorted and flipped his hair back.

“If you can have cats, then I can have a cloak.” He said testily as Capey kept petting him. “It’s only fair.”

“At least the kittens are *my* pets, not the other way around!”

Kadaj frowned, ignoring the bickering to stare at full bags on the bed.

“How much stuff did she bring?” He poked at the piles of clothing. “This is more than what we had when we moved in here.” Admittingly, at the time they’d owned nothing but their leathers, their weapons and their bikes, and that was just if you used the word ‘owned’ very, very loosely.

“She’s not moving in, is she?” Loz said concerned, his jealousy of Cape distracted. “There’s little enough room here as it is.”

“And I’m not doing her laundry,” Yazoo said haughtily, picking up something lacy and not very small. “How do you wash things like this, anyway?” He pulled it gently between his hands and it went *boing*. “It’s elastic. And lacy. And…made of Kevlar?”

“It would have to be, to keep those things from bouncing around.” Kadaj snorted.

Intrigued, Yazoo pulled of his own sweater and snapped the bra in place around his slim chest. He frowned at the huge amount of air between himself and the lacy, pink Kevlar.

“People actually confuse me with a woman? How is that even possible?” He turned. “Loz, do I look pretty in this?”

Loz rolled his eyes.

“You look absolutely ridiculous.”

“That’s not very nice to say!”

“Alright, you’d look much better naked.”

“You always say that, no matter what I’m wearing.”

“Because it’s always true. Except, you know, that corset-thing and the high boots…”

“I don’t need to hear this,” Kadaj muttered. “What do you think this is?” He threw over a small box with white bullet shaped things.

“Looks like some sort of rolled up bandages.” Yazoo turned them over in his hands and threw them to Loz. “But I don’t know how they’d work.”

“Oh! I know.” Loz took out a bullet and demonstrated proudly.

Yazoo and Kadaj stared.

“It’s way too big.” Kadaj shook his head.

“Well, maybe hers is bigger than mine.” Loz shrugged.

“Maybe.” Yazoo wasn’t convinced.

“Hey, look at this!”Without removing the ‘bandage’  Loz held up a smaller bag, this one only the size of a small shopping bag. “It’s full of small jars of colour. Maybe she’s a painter?”

“That’s makeup. Reno told me about it. You use it on your face to get more attention. You know, like camouflage paint, only the other way around.” Kadaj kept poking through the lacy things with some interest. “It works to.”

He realized he’d said just a little too much as the mood suddenly turned very, very amused. Blushing, he tried to cover it up.

“I mean, I’ve seen it on other people, and it was…”

“Oh, really?” Yazoo purred in wicked delight at the teasing to come. “And were these ‘other people’ in the mirror by any chance?”

“Let’s see what it looks like!” Loz grinned and dipped a big finger in some sparkly pink eye shadow, managing to smear it across the youngest Sephling’s cheek. Kadaj hissed in outrage and tried to fend him off, but whiles he was occupied with Loz, Yazoo had already caught a mascara brush and managed to put a few stroked under Kadaj’s nose.

“It looks like a moustache!” he giggled, “Loz hold him down, I want to make an entire beard!”

“Use that powdery thing, it looks like fun!”

“Let me go right now, or I swear I’ll kick your asses so bad!” Kadaj screeched as he was bodily tumbled onto the bed, bras and underwear flying all over the room, Yazoo leaning over him with a wicked grin and a purple lipstick, Loz holding him down amongst the clothes.

A loud gasp interrupted them and they looked up guiltily.

Tifa was staring in on them, her hair wet and dripping as she’d just come from the shower, her eyes huge as she took in the three brothers, one in her bra, one in her makeup and one who appeared to have a tampon shoved up his nose , her towel slipping neglected towards the floor.

The Remnants stared. Tifa stared.

The towel slipped.

The blush on all faces probably raised the room temperature a good 5 degrees.

With a screech Tifa dived for the only other available cloth in the room and threw it around herself.

“What are you doing in here?!” She hissed, the part of her that wasn’t melted in complete embarrassment wondering why the Hell the Sephlings were looking even more embarrassed now than before. She pressed the cloth tighter to her body – it was more than long enough to cover her from her neck to her toes.

“Um…” Yazoo’s face matched the pink bra he still had on. “That is…Capey.”

“What?!” She hissed.

“You are covering yourself with Capey,” Loz winced, the tampon finally falling out of his nose.

Tifa threw a glance down at the cloth she’d mistaken for a torn blanket. It was indeed Vincent’s red cloak and she could have sworn it had redder blotches all over as if it too was utterly embarrassed. Its torn edges were flicking around desperately.

Tifa gaped.

Kadaj, as always the fastest thinker, was already backing away towards the door, pulling his brothers along.

“And it’s, um, not just emotional but…sentient.”

The three Sephlings ran for their lives as Tifa cried out in horror, and threw the red cape out after them and screaming:

“Is there nothing in this household that isn’t a pervert?!”