Houseguest

Title: Houseguest
Author: Enide Dear
Pairing: none, Cloud and Remnant centered
Rating: icky, but cute
Summary: A tribute to and her extremely funny Cloud and Yazoo comics. It starts here: www.deviantart.com/messages/#/…


A/N: Yeah, so I love wacky families, sue me



Three pairs of reptile eyes staring un-blinking could put anyone off their breakfast. Cloud did his best not to let it bother him but he'd been reading the same page in the morning paper for at least fifteen minutes. Finally he heard a small inhale of someone preparing to speak.



"Mother says we have to, so don't complain." Kadaj interrupted whichever of his brothers were about to speak before they had even opened their mouth. "He is our big brother to so we have to help him if he is in trouble."



"It's just for a few weeks, at most." Cloud muttered into his breakfast. "Tifa threw me out and it is impossible to find an affordable place to live in Midgard."



"Can we at least do something about his hair?" Yazoo asked, ignoring Cloud's comment and still staring at the spikey golden crown amongst the sleek silver tresses.



Cloud sighed.



"Can we at least do somehing about his attitude?" Loz muttered.



"Could you at least have some normal breakfast?" Cloud snapped back. He'd have to search through the entire kitchen to find anything edible and was now stuck with an old can of cold ravilio.



"What do you mean? You are the one eating weird stuff. Ours is healthy." Kadaj snorted.



Cloud took a deep breath.  The 'breakfast' laid out on the table consited of a bowl of batteries, which the remnants peeled and ate like fruit, several huge eggs, parts of a chicken that no chicken would ever admit to having and grease.  The fact that a battered black box somewhat held together by yellow Biohazard tape stood as a centerpiece and was oozing mako coloured goo onto a napkin didn't help his apetite.



"Why did you bring your weapons to the table…never mind," he sighed as Yazoo cracked an egg and unceremoniously shot the growling content before starting to eat neatly with a silver spoon. Cloud made a mental note to pick up groceries on his way home.



"Here." Loz pushed something over the table. "I think you need one of these."



"A lithium shot is not part of a healthy breakfast!" Cloud almost screamed.



"I didn't say it was. I said you neeeded one." Loz muttered and Cloud gave up, wiped his mouth of sticky cold pasta and stood up.



"I have to go to work."



Three pairs of eyes stared uncomprehending at him and blinked once, in unison. Cloud scowled. He was pretty sure they did that to screw with his mind, but just the thought that they *could* coordinate their blinking was unnerving.



"My work as a delivery boy? To earn money?"



Stares. Unison blinks.



"Money to pay for food and rent?"



Staring. One slow, perfectly coordinated blink.



"How do you pay for this flat anyway?!" He almost screamed. The appartment was in central Midgard, in one of the fancy but understaded areas with little gardens and trees outside, but no flowers. In Midgard flowers only grew in the slum church.



"We don't pay for it." Kadaj said confused.



It was Cloud's turn to blink perplexed.



"What? But how did you get it?"



"Well…we liked this area, so we just looked around until we found one we liked. This one. So we moved in." The youngest remnant made half a shrugg with one shoulder.



"No one's been bothering us since." Yazoo added.



"Or asked for money," Loz explained.



Cloud rubbed his face. He should have known. He should have understood. These lab grown clones had no concept of 'owning' or how the world worked and of course no one except him would ever dare to challenge them about it. Also the womens clothing in a wardrobe in his room should have been a give away, but you never knew. He wasn't the right one to judge about a bit of transvestite-ism anyway.



"I'll talk to the landlord," he muttered as he walked out the door and slammed it shut on the insanity inside.





He came back rather late, but an enticing smell of cooking wafted out as he opened the door. Kadaj was standing by the stove, stirring something in a pot. Cloud realized he had no idea what the remnants did all day if they weren't working, and the thought made him a bit nervous. But it was very kind of them to let him live with them when they'd obviously rather he left them alone, so he made an effort to be nice.



"You are cooking?" He walked up to the youngest clone; he had had no idea Kadaj could cook but the seasoning made his mouth water even though he couldn't quite decide what meat was in it. "It smells good."



Kadaj gave him a cranky look.



"Mother said I should try to be nice to you." He waved at the box now sitting on the spice rack.  This is my favorite recipe." He waved at an assorment of metal cans on the counter. Well, Cloud didn't cook well enough himself to argue about processed food, but he took one up out of curiosoty.



And blanched.



"*Dog food?!* You were planning on serving *dog food*?!" He all but hit Kadaj's absurdly innocent-looking face with the can showing a picture of a happy white yapping dog.



"Dog food? What do you mean?!" Equally upset, Kadaj waved a spoon at him.



Cloud took a deep breath.



"It has a dog on the outside. This if dog food. Food for dogs."



"What?!" Kadaj's suprise was honest. "But the can of beans has a picture of beans on the outside. The one with ravioli has ravioli. How was I to know? No one told me this was dog food!"



Somewhat mollified, Cloud shook his head. Then a thought struck him.



"Wait…what did you think it was?"



"Dog meat of course!"



Loz and Yazoo was met in the doorway with an angry big brother barging out to find the nearest pub.





Maybe Cloud had drunk a bit too much, to try to get over the weirdness of his new family. For when he looked up, bleary eyed, the next morning, he was shocked out of his pants to see a very focused Yazoo leaning over him. The air smelled foul with stinging chemicals.



"What the Hell?" Drunk or not, Cloud was still strong enough to shove Yazoo off him although the lithe remnant twisted in the air like a cat and landed on his feet. A bit wobbly himself, Cloud was immensly relieved to see that he still had the same clothes on as he'd had when he fell asleep last night. He was less relieved to see the number of little jars and boxes Yazoo had placed on his bedside table and the smug smile on the remnant's face.



"I think that went just fine. Much better." Yazoo purred satisfied.



"What did you do to me?!"



As answer, Yazoo just waved at a mirror.



Cloud stared. And keept staring for a good ten minutes before he managed.



"What have you done to my hair?" The golden spikes were now…silver. It looked like he'd aged fifty years over night.

"It looks much better." Yazoo pouted and brandished the next weapon - a pair of scissors.

"Oh no you don't!" Quickly Cloud backed away. "i can't cut the spikes!"

"Why not?"

"Because I look like Rufus ShinRa withouth them!"

That made Yazoo pause, but then he kept going.

"Not when your hair is that lovely colour."

Cloud ducked under a chair.

"The dye won't last. Mako enhancment. All that stuff just rinses of in the shower."

"Mako enhanced hair? Oh please." Yazoo tried to dive after him but was momentarily brought to a pause by the sight of Cloud's butt sticiking up as he crawled under the bed to hide.

"Aren't you a Sephiroth clone? You should know." Cloud had managed to grab his Buster Sword and used it to keep Yazoo at bay.

"Fine." With a huff, Yazoo gave up.Then he smiled evily and blew him a kiss. "Until next time, then. Sweet dreams big brother!"

Cloud's shoulders sagged with relief as the remnant departed, but then he swore as a thought hit him. He'd bet anything that the shampoo in here all smelled like roses and vanilla.

TBC? Maybe not