Play Date on Gaia

Title: Playdate on Gaia.
Author: Enide Dear
Pairing: sooooooooooooooooo much crack!
Rating: extremely insane and probably icky.
Summary: Everyone gets a baby and Cloud gets a new job! And so does everyone else!
A/N: for ’s Troll Mpreg contest!


The sun shone brightly into the airy room, painted with smiling flowers and happily bouncing bunnies. It also shone on the not-so-bright faces of the three more or less passed out ‘mothers’ and their young ones who were crawling around on the floor trying to eat various toys, shoes and dust bunnies. The mood in the room was strained despite the inanely smiling cartoon critters on the walls and there was something defensive over all the adults.

”It’s none of your business,” Cloud said testily, bumping the happily gurgling baby on his knee. “But I was feeling lonely, alright? And there he was, and I was already in the dress and well, it just sort of…happened.”

“If you go bumping ugly – and I really mean *ugly* - with the biggest pimp on Gaia, then you’re not feeling lonely, yo. You’re feeling fucking desperate.” Snorting, Reno tried to juggle his own two very lively twins and two bottles of formula at the same time. “Ow, fucking, ow! I’ve told you a thousand fucking times not to bite, Priscilla!” He scowled at the red-headed twin who just whined and swatted away the bottle so she could use the Turk’s fingers as chew toys once more. “Frankly I’m surprised the STDs didn’t kill you straight off.”

“Yeah, we all jest thought him pissin’ green was due to the mako saturation,” completely exhausted, Cid used his boot to usher his four toddlers apart as the fight over a cuddly toy threatened to turn deadly. The pilot had been chain smoking and chain drinking tea all afternoon but hadn’t once found the strength to get up from his chair. “But I guess if ya fuck something that keeps his pets in a sewer, that’s about what ya could expect.”

“Oh shut up! At least my kid is *human* unlike yours!” Blushing fiercely, Cloud cuddled his fat, impeccably dressed baby, trying to ignore the fact that it looked, well, exactly as its father – pudgy, bald and drooly. Damn, but he’d been desperate back then. No amount of designer outfits could make up for the fact that his offspring wasn’t going to make it into a ‘cutest baby’ contest.  “I didn’t go off getting fucked by an animal, or whatever the Hell you did, Cid!”

“Hey, maybe so, but yer kid is still more aerodynamic than any of mine; if ya bundle him up a bit he looks jest like a football!” Cid flipped him off, still not getting off the chair but reaching down to pluck a baby-sized chainsaw from one of his wee bundles of joy. “No playing with that, ya could cut someone’s head off. “

“Why the Hell did you fuck someone – or something – named the *Tiny* Bronco anyway. I mean, I love my chopper to but there are limits. Somewhere. I think.” Reno gave up on his twins and just let them down on the floor where one of them immediately peed on the floor. “No, Prince, not on the damn floor! Gods damn lack of fucking diapers for quadrupeds!”

“Tell me about it. Damn spiecism is what it is. And he didn’t say his name was Tiny Bronco, he said it was Hugh Asstrounaut….oh haha, very funny, yer kids are hairier than mine!”

“Yeah…..” Cloud looked at Cid’s brood – the name ‘brood’ seemed oddly appropriate – one that looked like a tiny purple werewolf, one with tiny little wings and horns, one who had huge teeth and bolts around his head and one who looked like a small dark haired little toddler…until you saw the shiny red eyes. “Look Cid, I don’t know how to say this, but have you really done a father ship test on those fours? ‘Cause they don’t look like they came from an airplane. They kind of look like someone else we know. When was the last time you saw….Vincent?”

“The Hell are ya implying?! That I sleep around so much I don’t know who the father of my own kids are?!” Cid sat up straight, dropping his cig which was promptly eaten by Prince or Priscilla. But then he blinked, and an evil smile spread over his face. “Worth trying though. I mean, if Vince is the father then I’m gonna sue him for every damn gil he’s worth in parental fees! And he’ll get to handle the lot of them every weekend. Will give me more time ta fix up my relationship with Hugh….I mean, Tiny.”

“You’re all such freaks and wimps.” Reno grinned evilly, watching his kids tear off a sock and run away with it, fighting all the way.

“Oh yes? And how desperate were you when you jumped in bed with a dog?” Cloud spat acidly, his mood not helped by the fact that don Corneo junior had made something in his diaper that smelled like the sewers under his father’s brothel.

“Hey, I might be a bastard, but I ain’t a bitch!” Reno retorted. “I’m the damn father!” He waved proudly at his two puppies, both of whom looked just like tiny Nanakis except for the long red manes that would have hung in their faces unless Reno had put them up in pony tails.

“You mean…Nanaki is the mother?!”

“What can I say? Curiosity killed the cat…almost literally as those two were quite a surprise to everyone. Kinda makes you wonder what the Hell Hojo was up to in those labs if he wanted my babies momma to breed with that Cetra…. Hey, kinda makes ya wonder what the Hell Aerith looked like underneath those skirts, don’t’ it!”

The door to the nursery opened and in staggered two dark haired men with pregnant swollen bellies still hanging out from underneath a Turk suit and a Soldier uniform respectively. Tseng all but fell into one chair while Zack managed to lower himself a bit more gracefully into the next one – all those squats really had given him thigh muscles of steel.

“Don’t ask.” The Head of Turks growled. “Just don’t ask. Having Sephiroth do an impromptu C-section at the Temple of Ancients were bad enough, but having to listen to Elena apply for genital surgery is just too much.” He held out a serene looking little baby with huge green eyes and soft brown curly hair on its head. “A note to the history writers; Sephiroth does not make a good nurse maid. He screamed flailed and ran like hell out of there. And Aerith didn’t help either, she ran away to.”

“She always was a bit of a player.” Zack agreed, bouncing his own little green eyes Aerith-copy who smiled serenely and threw up in his lap. “At least my parents are thrilled.”

“My mom to,” Cloud nodded and cast a glance at Cid who was up and cursing in the phone:

“…don’t care where you’ve hidden yourself this time Valentine, ya get yer ass down here right now and look my babies in the eye and tell me yer not the father! Whatya mean yer dead?! Yer answering the gods-damned phone aren’t ya?! Better get yerself another Turk employment if yer gonna afford all the child support I’ll sue ya for!”

“You got money issues to, Cloudy?” Reno asked. “’Cause even with a Turk salary it’s pretty tough. And it’s not as if Prince’s and Priscillas mon brings home any beef…well, he does, literally, but you know what I mean.”

“What? No. don Corneo is – was – fairly rich before you and Rude dumped him of the mountain. And he had that whole business in sector six that junior here inherited. I’ve given up on delivery jobs nowadays, I just run the Honey Bee Inn. Make quite a good income to, especially since we branched into transvestites.”

“You’re a…pimp lord?!” For probably the first time in his life, Reno looked at  loss of words.

“No fucking wonder ya dress that kid like a celebrity!” Cid gaped.  

There was a new awkward silence as everyone in the room looked at Cloud who pointedly didn’t meet their glances.

“Well, I figured I might as well do something I know something about.” He mumbled.

The silence dragged on until Zack finally cleared his throat.

“So…..do you have any vacancies? You know, for like single mom’s with low incomes looking to earn a few extra bucks?”

Cloud looked up surprised at the pleading eyes, instinctively and mentally weighing appearances and income. Then he looked at the multitude of children.

“On one condition,” he held up a stern finger. “You are all going on the pill from day one.”